MAY I DARE SAY THAT ‘POSITIVITY’ MAY BE RUINING OUR RELATIONSHIPS?

Our culture to provide a “glass is half full” response to grievers may be extinguishing the flame of hope hurting people have for surviving and thriving after a loss.

Here are 10 scenarios that illustrate how responding with positivity is having the exact opposite effect of what we’re intending to produce. 

1. Griever is going through a break-up.
   1. Positive response: “There are plenty of fish in the sea!” 
2. Griever is sad when her elderly grandfather passes away.
   1. Positive response: “He’s in a better place.” 
3. Griever has to make the decision to put his sick dog down.
   1. Positive response: “At least he’s not suffering anymore.” 
4. Griever shares that she is feeling sad about infertility issues.
   1. Positive response: “You’re young! You have years to have a baby!”
5. Mom says her children are having a rough time after moving to a new house.
   1. Positive response: “They’ll make new friends!”
6. Griever says she misses husband who is deployed for 6 months.
   1. Positive response: “At least you have technology to communicate!” 
7. Griever is going through a divorce.
   1. Positive response: “At least you didn’t have children! That makes it way easier.” 
8. Griever says he’s having a difficult time at his new job.
   1. Positive response: “But that’s your dream job! You wanted it so badly!” 
9. Griever suffers a miscarriage.
   1. Positive response: “You can try again! At least you didn’t know the baby!” 
10. Your kid’s team loses the football game.
    1. Positive response: “You’ll win next time!”

Have you experienced being on either side of one of these examples?

The underlying message from each positive response above is: DON’T FEEL BAD. 

Don’t feel bad = DON’T BE HUMAN.

When we say something positive (in an effort to be helpful) we are really communicating that the griever is wrong for having a very appropriate emotion to a situation that upsets them.

In fact, when someone is hurting it can actually be more helpful to respond with, “that sucks!” than anything involving a silver lining. 

The next time you’re speaking with a griever (*a griever = anyone who is experiencing a loss*), cut the positivity out of your response. Just listen and let them feel heard and okay with not being okay. 

Adios positivity! 

With clarity,

Thera